Monday, January 30, 2012

DAY 30 - 28TH DAY WHEAT AND GLUTEN FREE - 18TH DAY NO COFFEE

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Weight:-  7.30 am  - ?


My last weight check was 114 kg/251 lbs. Next check Jan. 31st.


Tomorrow.... I had a sneak preview of my weight. Now I'm doubting my start weight. All will be revealed tomorrow.


I am able to continue my plan. Mum's death is not changing this. We are all sad. It's a new era. I've never known life without my mother. It feels strange.


I thought I had a quiet morning at home but Jane has asked me to be with them when Mum's body returns so must finish my breakfast and hit the road.

Breakfast:-  Berry Smoothie. Strawberry tea. water

Snack 1:-  Strawberry tea. 

Lunch:-  Strawberry  tea. cheese and gherkins, 3 fruit jellies

Snack 2:-   Strawberry tea, 2 fruit jellies

Dinner:-  fish pie and salad
Strawberry tea

Snack 3:-  Camomile tea.  4 corn thins, butter, cherry tomatoes. 

Drinking:-  Water x 2
Strawberry and Mango Tea, etc x 1 + ?
Coffee, black, unsweetened x 0

Diet lemon, lime & bitters x 0

Daily Goal:-  1.5 lt. or 5 - 6 large cups *y/n*

Exercise:-  15 minutes walk *yes* It's getting a little easier. The wheeze has gone but I think that's more to do with not eating wheat. Today I walked without pause except for one photo stop and felt quite good when I got home again. I extended my walk and can say with certainty I walked 3000 steps which for me at the moment is working out to about 1.3 km/0.8 miles. Not flash but considering how I started  and it's only been a week,not bad.


5 minutes cross-trainer *no*

Reporting Back ..........

How I did I do?


Still wheat and coffee free. Very tired. Too much time on phone.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

DAY 29 - 27TH DAY WHEAT AND GLUTEN FREE - 17TH DAY NO COFFEE

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Weight:-  7.30 am  - ?


My last weight check was 114 kg/251 lbs. Next check Jan. 31st.

Breakfast:-  3 corn thins, peanut butter Strawberry tea. 

Snack 1:-  Strawberry tea. 

Lunch:-  Strawberry  tea. 4 corn thins, egg salad.

Snack 2:-   Strawberry tea, 

Dinner:-  salami, grilled sausage, salad, cheese, gherkins. Fresh fruit salad, icecream, whipped cream. I was hungry so ate more than I usually would. 
Strawberry tea

Snack 3:-  Camomile tea.  almonds 

Drinking:-  Water x 1
Strawberry and Mango Tea, etc x ?
Coffee, black, unsweetened x 0

Diet lemonade x 1

Daily Goal:-  1.5 lt. or 5 - 6 large cups *y/n*

Exercise:-  15 minutes walk *yes/no*
5 minutes cross-trainer *no*

Reporting Back ..........

How I did I do?


It's 1.30 pm and I'm feeling exhausted. 


Mum died last night with family around her. It was quite a pleasant experience. We were able to talk and hug and weep together.


Our house guests have left and John is getting things ready for our next lot as family arrive from various places and need beds. Our son and his wife arrive late tonight from Christchurch.


We've had to arrange so much. Who would have thought organising a funeral would be this demanding. I thibk we've got it right .... but tomorrow will tell.


I'm exhausted but stayed wheat free except for the sausage, and coffee free today and it happened naturally.


I'm sticking to my plan of wheat and coffee free but my walk got mixed up with phone calls and I'm not sure whether I'll get another chance later today. I need to sleep but there are still phone calls to make although I'm not going to be too upset if some have to wait until tomorrow. There will be a meeting with our minister later to decide on the order of service and so forth. 


I'm glad to be in a family who support one another.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

DAY 28 - 26TH DAY WHEAT AND GLUTEN FREE - 16TH DAY NO COFFEE

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Weight:-  7.30 am  - ?


My last weight check was 114 kg/251 lbs. Next check Jan. 31st.

Breakfast:-  Berry Smoothie. Strawberry tea. water

Snack 1:-  Strawberry tea. 

Lunch:-  Strawberry  tea. salad and ham. 2 corn thins and butter.
Snack 2:-   Strawberry tea, 

Dinner:-  salad and chicken. Strawberry tea

Snack 3:-  Camomile tea.  Dried fruits.
Drinking:-  Water x 1
Strawberry and Mango Tea, etc x 4
Coffee, black, unsweetened x 0

Diet lemonade x 3

Daily Goal:-  1.5 lt. or 5 - 6 large cups *yes*

Exercise:-  15 minutes walk *yes* It was a lovely morning and I'm so glad I had the walk.
5 minutes cross-trainer *no*

Reporting Back ..........

How I did I do?

Been at Mum's all day. She seems to be unconscious now. It's just a matter of time and I am staying the night.

I haven't been perfectly gluten free. Without thinking I popped a mini chocolate aclair in my mouth. The case is choux pastry but they are tiny and I'm not going to count it as breaking my wheat free chain. The house is full of cake and biscuits. I will need to remain alert. I take that as a warning. I'm staying coffee free. This week is a big challenge and I haven't tracked properly.

Friday, January 27, 2012

DAY 27 - 25TH DAY WHEAT AND GLUTEN FREE - 15TH DAY NO COFFEE

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Weight:-  7.30 am  - ?


My last weight check was 114 kg/251 lbs. Next check Jan. 31st.


Mum is failing. Her pulse has been extremely low for a while. She is in bed and her heart is not beating as strongly as it has been. None of us know what this really means but we will be at her place all day today. Jane, our daughter and the nurse, is at work.


Over at A Deliberate Life, Chris has begun a 100 day challenge. I'm not part of the official challenge but thought I'd go along on the quiet.


Part of the challenge is to answer a question every 10 days.


Question 1. "Why do you want to lose weight." 


I thought I'd take a moment or two to answer this today.
My first response is I need to improve my health.
I guess at this stage of life that remains my only response. Everything else is a bonus.

Breakfast:-  Berry Smoothie.  water

Snack 1:-  2 corn thins with peanut butter

Lunch:-  Strawberry  tea. ham, coleslaw, tomato, cucumber and brie salad. Eskimo pie (icecream) x 2

Snack 2:-   Strawberry tea, 

Dinner:-  Chicken, salad and spoonful of fish pie.
Strawberry tea

Snack 3:-  Camomile tea.  4corn thins and peanut butter

Drinking:-  Water x 2
Strawberry and Mango Tea, etc x 4
Coffee, black, unsweetened x 0

Diet lemon, lime & bitters x 0

Daily Goal:-  1.5 lt. or 5 - 6 large cups *yes*

Exercise:-  15 minutes walk *yes* Still struggling but at least I'm doing it and I know it will get easier.
5 minutes cross-trainer *no*

Reporting Back ..........

How I did I do?


Apart from eating 2 eskimo pies, (chocolate coated icecreams), I've done well.


Mum has probably had an embolism ... bubble of air where it should not be. It has affected her similarly to having a stroke. The family is gathering around her and we are preparing ourselves..... but Mum could wake up fresh and able to talk freely. The biggest thing is hydration. At present she is unable to drink. She is quite capable of making decisions and has made it clear she wants to stay at home. I think we can manage but we do have the local Community Hospital to back us up. Jane, being a Community Nurse, has access to all the best help and information possible. We are very fortunate in this.


It feels kind of strange to be gathering waiting to see what will happen next. I expect to go home to Matarangi later but Jane is expecting someone to sit with Mum through the night. I might need to stay and do my shift. 


Dying shouldn't be this hard but the truth is that some people die quietly in their beds and others have drawn out and sometimes painful times. 


Later. We are home and I'm glad to be out of it. It's nice to be quiet in our own little space. All afternoon I couldn't see Mum recovering, then tonight before we left she seemed a lot better. There will still be someone sitting with her through the night and if we don't get a call we'll be back there about 10.30am. Twice I was asked if I knew what Mum wanted in the way of a funeral. I'll have to find the hymn book Mum listed her favourites in.


Jane tells me that after an incident such as this one most people only live a few months and this will be followed by other incidents. How I wish she could be saved the indignity and suffering.


It's been an emotional day. I'm looking forward to my bed.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

DAY 26 - 24TH DAY WHEAT AND GLUTEN FREE - 14TH DAY NO COFFEE

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Weight:-  7.30 am  - ?


My last weight check was 114 kg/251 lbs. Next check Jan. 31st.


Loving My Body - Psalm 139



 11If I say, Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,
    12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

 13For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
    14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
    15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
    16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

 17How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum ofthem!

I had a revelation about my attitude to my body a few days ago. It was like a jolt of lightening. I've worked hard to love myself. I've come to appreciate my intelligence, who I am, my spirit, my personality but .... I have never truly appreciated the shell, (body), and once I became a Christian, I looked forward to death and a glorified body. I've seen my body as something that must be subdued, misinterpreting the scriptures which talk about self control which belongs in the mental, spirit, soul area. The body is an instrument, a covering, a temple and I don't see how the body can be sinful because it can only do what the brain and nervous system tell it to do.


Maybe I'm over simplifying but this makes sense to me. 


Because I've mistakenly seen my body as despicable rather than the wonderfully intricate creation of God that it is, I've not cared for it. I haven't nurtured my body, in fact I have abused it.


You can pay lip service and make resolutions and grit your teeth with determination to do what is right but if you don't love the thing you are doing you will end up an angry tense mess and wonder why.


I am still pondering this and the consequences of my past attitude. I am looking forward to the way my repentance, turning around from a bad attitude, will be worked out. 


Nurturing my body means eating right and exercising and cleaning, soothing, skin, hair and nail care and so on. It also means getting the right medical/dental attention when required. So much of this has been a necessary drudgery for me instead of nurture in mind. The difference is subtle and profound at the same time.


I can see all kinds of possibilities in the future and am looking forward to this adventure as I learn to love my body and note the actions and attitudes that result.


Breakfast:-   Strawberry tea. water. 4 corn thins and peanut butter. 


We have a serious power problem in the old bus so no smoothie this morning. I can live without electricity ....I think. John has rigged things so we have power to some appliances.

Snack 1:-  Water 

Lunch:-  Strawberry  tea. Berry Smoothie.

Snack 2:-   Water, slice of cheese

Dinner:-  Grilled ham, carrot and kumera mash. Simple coleslaw, cabbage, carrot, onion and dressing.
Strawberry tea

Snack 3:-  Camomile tea.  almonds 

Drinking:-  Water x 4
Strawberry and Mango Tea, etc x 3
Coffee, black, unsweetened x 0

Diet lemon, lime & bitters x 0

Daily Goal:-  1.5 lt. or 5 - 6 large cups *yes*

Exercise:-  15 minutes walk *yes* Still awfully slow. Not a lot of energy and a little achy. It's easy to understand how people give up but I must push through. I doubt if I'd have made the effort without my No walk, No computer rule. I came so close to thoughtlessly turning it on this morning. My feet were a little cold and as I reached for my socks I remembered ... socks, shoes, No walk, No computer. This rule is working.
5 minutes cross-trainer *no*

Reporting Back ..........

How I did I do?


I've had a very quiet day which is good.I was really tired after the last two busy days.


It's given me time to catch up with a few things.


John spent two hours or more trying to fix our electricity problem. It might be a broken wire in a very difficult place to access. He rigged up an extension cord so that we can use everything, including the fridge but our lights are on battery which is solar powered.


I'm sleepy so another early night coming up. We wake between 6.30 and 7 am so I'm getting more sleep than I've had in a long time.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

DAY 25 - 23RD DAY WHEAT AND GLUTEN FREE - 13TH DAY NO COFFEE

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Weight:-  7.30 am  - ?


My last weight check was 114 kg/251 lbs. Next check Jan. 31st.


I'm discovering things about myself. I didn't know, and never even considered the possibility that I hated, loathed and despised my body. However could I expect to look after something I dislike.


I'll explain more when I have more time but this is going to be a fascinating journey.


Ps 139.

Breakfast:-  Berry Smoothie. Strawberry tea. water. My smoothie was a challenge. First the stick whizz I use bit the dust yesterday. It fell apart. Then the smoothie was extremely sour. Maybe one or two pieces of fruit were very sour or the yoghurt was unusually sour, so I added honey and shook it all together in a handy-dandy tupperware shaker I've had forever.

Snack 1:-  None 

Lunch:-  Veggie bake, salad, ginger beer. Was too full to eat all salad. We had lunch in town and I thought about having coffee, maybe an iced coffee, then I thought about my header and having to go back to zero days coffee free. Ditto for wheat. Most cafes have a gluten free option and I hapen to like this bake. It had spinach, pumpkin, kumera and feta topped with crunchy nuts and seeds. 

Snack 2:-   Water, 2 corn thins with peanut butter.

Dinner:-  ham, tomato, cucumber, red capsicum, 4 corn thins, pickle and 2 corn thins with jam. Water

Snack 3:-  Camomile tea.  almonds 

Drinking:-  Water x 3
Strawberry and Mango Tea, etc x 2
Coffee, black, unsweetened x 0

Diet lemon, lime & bitters x 0

Daily Goal:-  1.5 lt. or 5 - 6 large cups *y/n*

Exercise:-  15 minutes walk *yes* It was good but a snail might have moved faster. My legs ached from yesterday, and when I forgot about them my bottom ached. Who knew I have muscles in my bottom LOL. Stayed true to my decision No walk, No computer.
5 minutes cross-trainer *no*

Reporting Back ..........

How I did I do?


Shopping and lunch at Nina's Cafe. Now our little fridge is jammed full and I have a new stick mixer so tomorrow's smoothie should be good. I'm very tired. I think we'll be having an early night. The good news is that our daughter was unwell for a couple of days and her work mate arranged thinngs so she doesn't need to work tomorrow. That means we get to stay home again. We have only been needed at Mum's about 3 times this month.


I'm not sure whether I will remain coffee free forever but I think I'll give it a go for at leaast 4 weeks. I know I'm going to want coffee when in Christchurch but that could also be a bad decision. I will probably still be vulnerable to drinking too much, too strong, too often.


Lots to think about as I am reading two books at the same time. One about a tiny town in Texas that made a difference to 72 children's lives. The other is The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender and is healing for the sexually abused. This ws meant to be, ''I'll check out this book. It could be useful to some people.'' Well, some people happens to be me. Apparently I've not finished healing myself yet.


I want to write more but am just too darn tired.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

DAY 24 - 22ND DAY WHEAT AND GLUTEN FREE - 12TH DAY NO COFFEE

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Weight:-  7.30 am  - ?


My last weight check was 114 kg/251 lbs. Next check Jan. 31st.

Breakfast:-  Berry Smoothie. Strawberry tea. water

Snack 1:-  Skipped

Lunch:-  Strawberry  tea. 6 corn thins, pickle and cheese. I spent too long gardening in the sun and came in a little the worse for it. Off to have a soak in the bath shortly.

Snack 2:-   Strawberry tea, 

Dinner:-  Salad made with 2 boiled eggs, 2 slices bacon, lettuce, onion, gherkin. dressing. My choices are very limited. Shopping tomorrow.
Strawberry tea

Snack 3:-  Camomile tea.  almonds 

Drinking:-  Water x 1
Strawberry and Mango Tea, etc x 5
Coffee, black, unsweetened x 0

Diet lemon, lime & bitters x 0

Daily Goal:-  1.5 lt. or 5 - 6 large cups *yes*

Exercise:-  15 minutes walk *yes* And a bit more. The beach was so nice and I enjoyed it very much. I did start a little later than ideal on such a sunny morning. It was almost too hot for me by the time I got home at 8.45 am.
5 minutes cross-trainer *no*

Reporting Back ..........

How I did I do?


I decided I will not turn on my laptop before going for a walk. It's too easy to do one thing then another and another once in front of the computer . When I begin weighing regularly again I will write it on a piece of paper to be logged in AFTER MY WALK.


Taking into account all I said yesterday ... I broke my rules today. I walked that was enough. But I went out in the hot sun to do some weeding. Too much! The best thing I can say about that is, It is done for the next couple of weeks. ... That is except for another 30 or so minutes which I hope to do later today when it cools off.


I'm not sure how this will affect me but I am going to stick by my decision. No walk, no computer.


I had a wee sneak preview of my weight. I think I may have recovered 2 kg toward my healthy weight. No more gardening today. I feel too clean. I've had a soak in the bath, and John has soaked the plants so will be a bit muddy for a while.


I'm keeping up the good work and that's what counts.

Monday, January 23, 2012

DAY 23 - 21ST DAY WHEAT AND GLUTEN FREE - 11TH DAY NO COFFEE

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Weight:-  7.30 am  - ?


My last weight check was 114 kg/251 lbs. Next check Jan. 31st.

Breakfast:-  Berry Smoothie. Strawberry tea. water

Snack 1:-  None

Lunch:-  Strawberry  tea. tuna and veggie salad with lettuce. 4 corn thins with peanut butter

Snack 2:-   Lemon, lime and bitters. 4 corn thins with pickle and cheese.

Dinner:-  Chicken sausages, carrot-kumera mash,  and broccoli. 

Snack 3:-  Camomile tea.  almonds 

Drinking:-  Water x 0
Strawberry and Mango Tea, etc x 3
Coffee, black, unsweetened x 0

Diet lemon, lime & bitters x 1

Daily Goal:-  1.5 lt. or 5 - 6 large cups *y/n*

Exercise:-  15 minutes walk *yes/no*
5 minutes cross-trainer *no*

Reporting Back ..........

How I did I do?


The amazing thing to me is that I've completed 3 weeks wheat/gluten free with a few minor exceptions such as tonight's sausages, - which I forgot to check. Will do so next time I'm shopping.


I'm also well into my 2nd week coffee free.


I am eating more carbohydrates than I think is ideal. I intend to reduce them as I go on but there is one thing far more important.


I have become excessively lazy about walking. I know partly it has to do with the tight chest and wheezing but I can't let that be an excuse for much longer. In fact those symptoms are not as severe as they were. I'm presuming they had more to do with too much wheat in my diet as much as lack of exercise and increased weight.


I've done it before and I need to do it again. 


Make the decision to walk every morning before I get distracted by anything including my blogging and this record. It's not as though I don't enjoy walking. I do. It is a great pleasure and my day feels so much better for taking the time. 


I don't understand why I'm having so much trouble actually doing it. Maybe my energy levels are still way below par. Trouble is if I keep yielding to this I will never rebuild my strength and energy. One of the weird things about fatigue syndrome and energy is that you can do a lot more than you think. On the other hand if you get carried away and do too much at any one time or in any day without building up to it, (Training), you can drain your energy levels and take weeks to get motivated again.


It takes strength of mind and a certain kind of wisdom to do just the right amount each day. By following a sensible pattern tailored to my own ability I will gradually find myself amazingly fit again.


My goal is not to take long walks but to walk at least 15 - 30 minutes everyday and when that feels too easy to add either a second walk or lengthen the main walk. 


I'd like to say I'm going to get up tomorrow morning and walk but I'm no longer confident it's going to be that simple. I'll let you know tomorrow. 


One thing I can do is plan, and prepare my mind, tonight so that I know exactly what I'm going to do when I get out of bed in the morning. Have a drink, dress, put on my walking shoes and .....

Sunday, January 22, 2012

DAY 22 - 20TH DAY WHEAT AND GLUTEN FREE - 10TH DAY NO COFFEE

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Weight:-  7.30 am  - ?


My last weight check was 114 kg/251 lbs. Next check Jan. 31st.

Breakfast:-  Berry Smoothie. Strawberry tea. water

Snack 1:-  Strawberry tea. 2 corn thins, peanut butter

Lunch:-  Strawberry  tea. 2 eggs and bacon cooked on the handy dandy Breville Healthy Grill, 1 corn thin. Fresh,crisp apple.


This grill is amazing. I want to try pancakes, pikelets and pan fried fritters on it. I think they will be perfect. Trouble is those things don't go so well with my wheat/gluten free stance.

Snack 2:-   Strawberry tea, 

Dinner:-  Frittata, courtesy of our house guests, and salad. 2 corn thins with peanut butter. I must ask for Pam's recipe.
Strawberry tea

Snack 3:-  Camomile tea.  almonds 

Drinking:-  Water x 0
Strawberry and Mango Tea, etc x 5
Coffee, black, unsweetened x 0

Diet lemon, lime & bitters x 0

Daily Goal:-  1.5 lt. or 5 - 6 large cups *y*

Exercise:-  15 minutes walk *yes/no*
5 minutes cross-trainer *no*

Reporting Back ..........

How I did I do?


OK I did get an important and difficult letter written for to support David with his court case.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

DAY 21 - 19TH DAY WHEAT AND GLUTEN FREE - 9TH DAY NO COFFEE

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Weight:-  7.30 am  - ?


My last weight check was 114 kg/251 lbs. Next check Jan. 31st.


SOAPBOX


Continuing from yesterday   ........   Learning to deal with 'Issues.'


I have become well aware of my own issues. Sometimes bringing healing into them is not easy but it must be done.


Chris, A Deliberate Life, is my absolute hero in this. She has the courage to tell it how it is and has helped me in more ways than I can tell. Her's is a specific journey childhood trauma. 


I had a privileged childhood. I was the eldest grandchild on both sides. In my mother's large family I am the eldest of the eldest, of the eldest in a pioneering family. I was adored by all. I had good parents who loved me but never spoiled me and we never lacked, although in the early years we were not wealthy. My husband points out we had a refrigerator and a car when many people did not.  We lived on a family farm in a safe environment. I felt the love surrounding me.


It did not protect me from at least two incidents of sexual abuse. When it came time to deal with this stuff I was confused, very confused. I had only the vaguest memory of the first incident, being a child of about 2 at the time. Somewhere around my 54th year I began to have an impression of something happening which involved a man in military uniform. First a counsellor told me to go with the impression and later my mother confirmed the time, place and individual. 


This was low key. The man picked me up, a tiny 2 or 3 year old, from behind and hugged me tightly against himself. This happened right outside our house with my Grandfather watching. He would have been horrified if he'd known what was in that man's head. Incidentally that man was later, after WW2, convicted and imprisoned for sexually abusing his own young daughters.


After coming to terms with this, a whole lot of my behaviours with my husband began to make sense. I could not bear for him to stand or lie in bed behind me and he often felt rejected by my 'over the top reaction.' I might add that my strange reaction stopped once this was brought to light.  


The second incident or incidents happened a few years later when I was about 7 or 8 and recovery was difficult because I still have no memory of what really did happen. One day I will tell the story but not yet. It will seem weird and all I have to show is the healing that has taken place in so many areas of my life.


The impact of these incidents has been enormous. I have done some awful things. I have been hard to live with. I was not always a good or reasonable parent. 


I am incredibly grateful for the way my husband has lived with me through every stage. Not always understanding, not always affirming but nevertheless he loyally stood by me even when I wanted to push him away. I guess that's one of the benefits of him being somewhat shut-down emotionally.


I am still dealing with some personal issues and my children have added another dimension to this.


I am learning step by step to become more of a straight arrow. The more stable, steady and free I am the more likely my adult children are to find their path to freedom.


That is my goal and losing weight and being healthy is a symptom of my inner health and mental strength. 


Bariatric surgery cannot do this for me. It is hard work dealing with stuff. I read with an open mind and I learn new things everyday. 


Currently I'm reading Mending a Shattered Heart edited by Stephanie Carnes PhD. The subtitle is A Guide For Partners Of Sex Addicts and a number of specialist in counselling and psychiatry have written chapters on their specific areas of expertise. I bought this book so I could learn and pass it on to my daughters in law. I recommend it to anyone with problems of sexual abuse and addiction in their family. 


I have discovered a whole world of therapy but all inaccessible to me because it's in USA. At least I can read. The book I'm reading now is clinical yet written for the lay person. I'm a lazy reader and sometimes find the clinical language difficult - heavy reading. Even so this is not a hard to read book and has many quotes from different people who have suffered the heartbreak of finding their partner is a sexual addict. 



But it's messing with my head. I haven't been sleeping so well since I began reading. I am being taken into a world I don't want to know but I must go there. There is healing for me, the mother, in this book. There might even be healing for my husband and an improved marriage though greater understanding of one another and the issues involved.


I am saddened to discover how much I can identify with the partner of sexual addicts. There is a good chance that if you have been abused you will be drawn toward a partner who has suffered abuse. They may never acknowledge that abuse. But it will be there in that persons behaviour even if it's not obvious. Their acting out may be at such a low level it's easy to ignore but never the less it causes a barrier between partners.


I am at my wit's end. The more I work toward being a straight arrow the more pain I experience because my husband is shut down.


I will continue to read and learn. 


In the end it comes back to God's grace. I can live with this as long as God gives me strength. Meantime as he heals me I trust that he is bringing other members  of my family, including my husband who is very dear to me, into His Place of Freedom.



Breakfast:-  Berry smoothie. Strawberry tea water

Snack 1:-  Strawberry tea

Lunch:-  Strawberry tea. 2 corn thins, 2 med. boiled eggs, (not hard but not too runny), cheese, gherkin, cherry tomato, cucumber.

Snack 2:-   lemon, lime and bitters, 2 corn thins with peanut butter

Dinner:-  Beef pattie, potato, carrot, broccoli, butter.

Snack 3:-  Camomile tea.  almonds 

Drinking:-  Water x 0
Strawberry and Mango Tea, etc. x 3
Coffee, black, unsweetened x 0

Diet lemon, lime & bitters x 1

Daily Goal:-  1.5 lt. or 5 - 6 large cups *no*

Exercise:-  15 minutes walk *yes/no*
5 minutes cross-trainer *no*

Reporting Back ..........

How I did I do?


After watching a Catch The Fire meeting live on-line yesterday I decided I could finish reading the current book. It took a little longer than I expected so was close to 3 am when I went to sleep.


Lack of sleep meant I had no get-up-and-go today. Otherwise it hasn't been a bad day. Hopefully a good night's sleep coming up. Depends on how loud the music gets from a party down the street.

Friday, January 20, 2012

DAY 20 - 18TH DAY WHEAT AND GLUTEN FREE - 8TH DAY NO COFFEE

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Weight:-  7.30 am  - ?


My last weight check was 114 kg/251 lbs. Next check Jan. 31st.


I'm proud of the numbers stacking up on my title. I'll keep them on the title until the item mentioned reaches 28 consecutive days,which is on the way to setting a new habit. After that I will include that item maybe with a ticker within each post so as not to clutter the headings too much. I'll see. I'd love to weigh myself to see if there is any difference but I'm a little paranoid about weighing first thing in the morning so until our guests go that's not going to happen.


SOAPBOX


Without wanting to be judgemental about bariatric surgery, it is something that bothers me greatly. Personally I am against surgery unless there is a sound medical reason and it is the only way to bring healing. Surgery is invasive and carries so many risks, some of which are obvious others may not be. 


Personally I will never choose a major surgical intervention unless it is a life or death issue. Partly this decision is made on past experience. There has been no anaesthetic or post operative care where the promise of minimised after affects have been acceptable for me. I seem to have a bad reaction to all the forms of anaesthetic commonly used and on the last two or three times I had a general anaesthetic it was almost a year before I felt as though I had recovered from the anaesthetic. That was long after I had recovered from the surgery itself.


The last time I had surgery with general anaesthetic was nearly 20 years ago and it was to do with damage from acid reflux. Had I understood some of the things I know now about my body there might have been another way .... without surgery.


I have since discovered that when I don't eat wheat products or a diet high in carbohydrates I don't ever experience pain and odd spots on my abdomen which are tender now, become normal. I accept that 20 years ago there was not the general knowledge available about wheat but I don't think that excuses the general medical profession ignoring the knowledge that was kicking around in their arena back then. Most medical people in New Zealand continue to promote a diet based on carbohydrate grains. Although many sports people have found that this is not the best diet for them, still the myth goes on, that we must load up on carbohydrates. 


Had I been told that my symptoms could be alleviated or even the cause healed by going wheat free for 6 - 12 months I would have tried it. At that time there seemed to be a degree of hysteria surrounding a low carb diet or a low grain or alternative grain diet. It is possible the damage done where the oesophagus meets the stomach had gone past the point of no return but it would have been a worthy experiment. That surgery, which was low impact, being done by laser, knocked me around for more than six months and it was almost a year before I felt like myself. Initially my blood pressure spiked seriously. Previous to that time I had normal blood pressure. I suffered severe nausea and took a mixture of drugs to prevent vomiting. I also had serious breathing problems post surgery. It was horrible. 


My second reason for questioning the need for surgery is this. To qualify a person must go on a restricted weight loss diet and maintain a certain style of eating following the surgery. If this can be done for surgery why can the person not work toward finding a place where they can continue to lose weight? The post surgery diet is not easy and many people fail after a time. Is this any different to regular weight loss diets? 


I only personally know one person who has had bariatric surgery and after several years he remains a big man although obviously he does not eat quite the same quantities he did previously nor is he quite as large. Granted he is less obese than he would be without the surgery but I understand he may have occasional, related health issues several years after.


Of the Blogs I read I see three people are getting ready for bariatric surgery. I will not comment on their personal decision because they have each one done the research and are confident it is the only way forward for them. It takes courage to make this decision and I admire that. Bariatric surgery is not for scaredy cats.


I get the appearance and health issues around being obese and more so being morbidly obese. I know how restricting physically it is to be overweight let alone the heavier categories. I understand the danger of being a yoyo dieter and I do believe there are a few people who struggle to lose weight even on low calorie diets. 


I also know without a doubt that anyone who has an excess weight problem has other issues which they are trying to hide with fat. They can be adamant about liking food too much but there is always more to consistently over indulging than their enjoyment of presentation, taste, smell, texture, atmosphere etc. 


If someone cannot be faithful when they make a determined effort to change their habits and lose weight the hidden issues need to see the light. I'm sure that anyone undergoing bariatric surgery is aware of this. Perhaps the greatest plus with bariatric surgery is the opportunity to join in an on-going support group backed by professionals, where one can learn to deal with 'Issues.'


I have become well aware of my own issues. Sometimes bringing healing into them is not easy but it must be done.


This is a continuing discussion. More tomorrow.

Breakfast:-  Banana and Strawberry with plain yoghurt. Water

Snack 1:-  None. I have been writing and time ceases to exist. 

Lunch:-  Strawberry  tea. 4 corn thins and peanut butter. Water.

Snack 2:-   Strawberry tea, 

Dinner:-  grilled pork steak with mashed potato, carrot and green beans. lemon, lime & bitters

Snack 3:-  Camomile tea.  4 chocolates, almonds

Drinking:-  Water x 1
Strawberry and Mango Tea, etc. x 3
Coffee, black, unsweetened x 0

Diet lemon, lime & bitters x 1

Daily Goal:-  1.5 lt. or 5 - 6 large cups *no*

Exercise:-  15 minutes walk *yes/no*
5 minutes cross-trainer *no*

Reporting Back ..........

How I did I do?


I spent too much time on the computer. Much of it was spent writing and that wasn't a bad thing.


I also watched a live Catch The Fire meeting for 3 hours although I did snooze toward the end. I wish I had access to unlimited internet. 6 days to go and I've only got enough thingies to do email and hopefully Blogger.


I hope I sleep better tonight.


I did not sleep well last night so was not the best I could have been today.