Wednesday, February 15, 2012


 Weight:-  7.30 am  -   - 104 kg

Start weight check was 114.5 kg/251 lbs. 

Official weight loss for January is 10.5 kg/23 lbs.

Next weigh-in March 1st.

Still feeling shattered by my dream.

I’m still a little shaken. I woke after another version of my Fear Dream. All ended well but it was scary.

The theme is always something to do with heights. usually I’ve climbed to a high place. The climb always involves a measure of risk. At some point the way down becomes impossible or a leap in faith beyond my physical ability is required. At this point I either wake up in a terrible state or I find an alternative way.

This time the setting was a campus with a few ‘play’ structures. There were some high, square towers which looked like a series of slatted wooden crates stacked to a great height, maybe 60-70 feet/20-23m, standing on concrete paving.. The challenge was to come down them head first using the slats as hand hold and one’s feet to balance and also use the slats as footholds. Crazy thing to do but like all dreams it made sense at the time.

Some of the towers were straightforward in that the slats were evenly spaced but a few had tricky places where the gaps and handholds were hard to get hold of in a safe way. I had done this previously with success. This time I inadvertently chose a tower with tricky spaces. When I reached the hard place and tried many times to work out how to get past and continue my descent. I was aware of the hard landing and was still too high up to risk a fall.

Finally I asked for help …. there were many people around and help was quickly available. Someone anchored my feet and after little time I felt safe enough to try again to make a good, strong hand hold.

I found a hold I was confident with but in the meantime another safety feature had kicked in. The tower unfolded a bit like an escalator and I was on the ground which had become soft grass. Although relieved I felt cheated as though I’d failed the challenge.

What interested me on reflection were two things. First I asked for help and it was there and effective so that I felt safe. The second thing was when I felt safe enough to make a move, suddenly it was all over. What a relief.

To me this dream was all about trusting the support of other people and knowing when to ask for help. There was also that little bit about receiving help and making the next move for myself. This to me represented feeling safe enough to move. Although still afraid I acted on my faith in the help. I trusted others to be there for me and keep me safe while I did what I needed to do.

Considering what has been going on in our lives for the past few months a dream like this is not surprising. A couple of hours have gone by and I’m not so shaky now. Writing this down has helped. 

I really wanted comfort food this morning. A rich creamy cappuccino or two with well buttered toast made with our homemade bread, and marmalade would have gone well. 

The food was not an option because there's no cappuccino in the house and nor is there butter and marmalade.

This is the first time I remember wanting those foods except maybe during the first few days after changing my eating at the beginning of the year. Even Mum's final days and those following did not cause me to want off-plan foods. Not even the aroma of fresh baked bread has affected me, nor entering cafés with all the coffee smells wafting through the air.

This kind of confirms to me that squishing down fear is dangerous to being healthy. Fear is an emotion no one enjoys but it's better to face the fear squarely and decide how to handle the situation than pretend it's not there. I'm very good at pretending to myself I'm not afraid. I guess it's like being afraid of fear, certainly I'm afraid of the feelings that go with fear.

Fear will always be a part of life and is meant to be there. Fearless people are stupid people. Facing the fear and counting the cost takes courage. None of us has the necessary courage all of the time but we can ask for support to get through the worst moments.

I am not talking about those times when a decision has to be made in an instant to rescue someone .... that is a different scenario and is a reaction in an emergency.

Breakfast:-  Honey yoghurt, chopped almonds and dried apricots. Strawberry tea. water

Snack 1:-  Strawberry tea. 

Lunch:-   Antipasta plate, salami, gherkin, cheese, pepperdew, lettuce, tomato, chunk red pepper. water.

Snack 2:-   Water, rice crackers

Dinner:-  pork chop, potato, carrot, broccoli, pickle.

Snack 3:-  Camomile tea.  almonds 

Drinking:-  Water x 3
Strawberry and Mango Tea, etc x 2

Diet lemon, lime & bitters x 0

Daily Goal:-  1.5 lt. or 5 - 6 large cups *yes*

Exercise:-  15 minutes walk *yes/no*
5 minutes cross-trainer *no*

Reporting Back ..........

How I did I do?

OK except for my walk which never happened.

I kept on wanting a cappuccino but it's not going to happen. I'm a bit emotional at the moment and did not sleep all that well last night. This afternoon John pottered with our son at his lifestyle block. I found a book whicH is a good easy and distracting read so that's what I did between nanna naps. It was nice just to be there.

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