Saturday, January 21, 2012



Weight:-  7.30 am  - ?

My last weight check was 114 kg/251 lbs. Next check Jan. 31st.


Continuing from yesterday   ........   Learning to deal with 'Issues.'

I have become well aware of my own issues. Sometimes bringing healing into them is not easy but it must be done.

Chris, A Deliberate Life, is my absolute hero in this. She has the courage to tell it how it is and has helped me in more ways than I can tell. Her's is a specific journey childhood trauma. 

I had a privileged childhood. I was the eldest grandchild on both sides. In my mother's large family I am the eldest of the eldest, of the eldest in a pioneering family. I was adored by all. I had good parents who loved me but never spoiled me and we never lacked, although in the early years we were not wealthy. My husband points out we had a refrigerator and a car when many people did not.  We lived on a family farm in a safe environment. I felt the love surrounding me.

It did not protect me from at least two incidents of sexual abuse. When it came time to deal with this stuff I was confused, very confused. I had only the vaguest memory of the first incident, being a child of about 2 at the time. Somewhere around my 54th year I began to have an impression of something happening which involved a man in military uniform. First a counsellor told me to go with the impression and later my mother confirmed the time, place and individual. 

This was low key. The man picked me up, a tiny 2 or 3 year old, from behind and hugged me tightly against himself. This happened right outside our house with my Grandfather watching. He would have been horrified if he'd known what was in that man's head. Incidentally that man was later, after WW2, convicted and imprisoned for sexually abusing his own young daughters.

After coming to terms with this, a whole lot of my behaviours with my husband began to make sense. I could not bear for him to stand or lie in bed behind me and he often felt rejected by my 'over the top reaction.' I might add that my strange reaction stopped once this was brought to light.  

The second incident or incidents happened a few years later when I was about 7 or 8 and recovery was difficult because I still have no memory of what really did happen. One day I will tell the story but not yet. It will seem weird and all I have to show is the healing that has taken place in so many areas of my life.

The impact of these incidents has been enormous. I have done some awful things. I have been hard to live with. I was not always a good or reasonable parent. 

I am incredibly grateful for the way my husband has lived with me through every stage. Not always understanding, not always affirming but nevertheless he loyally stood by me even when I wanted to push him away. I guess that's one of the benefits of him being somewhat shut-down emotionally.

I am still dealing with some personal issues and my children have added another dimension to this.

I am learning step by step to become more of a straight arrow. The more stable, steady and free I am the more likely my adult children are to find their path to freedom.

That is my goal and losing weight and being healthy is a symptom of my inner health and mental strength. 

Bariatric surgery cannot do this for me. It is hard work dealing with stuff. I read with an open mind and I learn new things everyday. 

Currently I'm reading Mending a Shattered Heart edited by Stephanie Carnes PhD. The subtitle is A Guide For Partners Of Sex Addicts and a number of specialist in counselling and psychiatry have written chapters on their specific areas of expertise. I bought this book so I could learn and pass it on to my daughters in law. I recommend it to anyone with problems of sexual abuse and addiction in their family. 

I have discovered a whole world of therapy but all inaccessible to me because it's in USA. At least I can read. The book I'm reading now is clinical yet written for the lay person. I'm a lazy reader and sometimes find the clinical language difficult - heavy reading. Even so this is not a hard to read book and has many quotes from different people who have suffered the heartbreak of finding their partner is a sexual addict. 

But it's messing with my head. I haven't been sleeping so well since I began reading. I am being taken into a world I don't want to know but I must go there. There is healing for me, the mother, in this book. There might even be healing for my husband and an improved marriage though greater understanding of one another and the issues involved.

I am saddened to discover how much I can identify with the partner of sexual addicts. There is a good chance that if you have been abused you will be drawn toward a partner who has suffered abuse. They may never acknowledge that abuse. But it will be there in that persons behaviour even if it's not obvious. Their acting out may be at such a low level it's easy to ignore but never the less it causes a barrier between partners.

I am at my wit's end. The more I work toward being a straight arrow the more pain I experience because my husband is shut down.

I will continue to read and learn. 

In the end it comes back to God's grace. I can live with this as long as God gives me strength. Meantime as he heals me I trust that he is bringing other members  of my family, including my husband who is very dear to me, into His Place of Freedom.

Breakfast:-  Berry smoothie. Strawberry tea water

Snack 1:-  Strawberry tea

Lunch:-  Strawberry tea. 2 corn thins, 2 med. boiled eggs, (not hard but not too runny), cheese, gherkin, cherry tomato, cucumber.

Snack 2:-   lemon, lime and bitters, 2 corn thins with peanut butter

Dinner:-  Beef pattie, potato, carrot, broccoli, butter.

Snack 3:-  Camomile tea.  almonds 

Drinking:-  Water x 0
Strawberry and Mango Tea, etc. x 3
Coffee, black, unsweetened x 0

Diet lemon, lime & bitters x 1

Daily Goal:-  1.5 lt. or 5 - 6 large cups *no*

Exercise:-  15 minutes walk *yes/no*
5 minutes cross-trainer *no*

Reporting Back ..........

How I did I do?

After watching a Catch The Fire meeting live on-line yesterday I decided I could finish reading the current book. It took a little longer than I expected so was close to 3 am when I went to sleep.

Lack of sleep meant I had no get-up-and-go today. Otherwise it hasn't been a bad day. Hopefully a good night's sleep coming up. Depends on how loud the music gets from a party down the street.

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