Last year did not go well.
I made several attempts at controlling what I ate and getting exercise but I collapsed under various situations because I found life too difficult.
I did not want to do a New Year’s Day assessment or look back but I have time on my hands so what better way to use it.
I ended 1010 weighing about 95 kg/209lbs. Much too heavy at this time of my life.
I ended 1011 weighing something over 115 kg/253 lbs. Scary place to be.
Most of the year I hovered around 96 kg then I began to gain and my last tracking post was July 31st.
I don’t like excuses. I understand why I didn’t succeed in achieving my weight loss goals for 2011. I understand why I gained weight.
It was not simply laziness, lost focus or lost motivation, although they all played a part.
I was too busy surviving and working through a very difficult set of emotions. Some were in relation to my mother’s care while from the end of August I had to come to terms with another situation which I wrote about here and don’t want to talk about again. This has had a huge impact on how I view life and what I should be doing about it personally.
Bad things do not go away. Consequences have to be lived with. Gaining weight was not helpful but I accepted my limitations. Losing weight became insignificant while I strove to find some emotional stability.
I remain emotionally fragile.
I’ve stopped reading many weight loss blogs, deleting them from my Followers List. I was spending far too much time on my laptop and much of what I was reading was unhelpful or irrelevant to me.
I don't want my life to revolve around food and weight loss. At the same time making good choices for my meals and exercise must be given daily consideration. If I can put it in the same category as cleaning my teeth I will be very happy and satisfied.
Those that I am still reading are worthwhile and I’ve been thinking.
I cannot continue eating without care and not getting in a daily walk. My body is hating me. I hurt, I wheeze and I’m constantly tired and feel lazy. Everything is an effort and I keep finding ways to do as little as possible. Any activity, even showering takes effort. I can see where this is going.
IF YOU DON’T USE IT YOU LOSE IT!
I am experiencing ‘losing it!’
NOT GOOD! I’m only 72 with a lot of living still to do.
There have been days and weeks and even months at a time when I couldn’t see the point of punishing my self with diet and exercise. It’s so much easier to drift along and not worry.
The price I pay is not really worth the languid attitude.
I don’t need to go back to the drawing board. I don’t even need to make a decision.
I simply need to comply with the decision.
Conclusion …. I see discipline as a punishment. My brain knows that without discipline nothing worthwhile ever gets done but in my heart spirit I see it as undesirable.
I need a change of attitude to embrace discipline as the friend it is.
Take me to the root of this attitude and bring me healing.
The first thing that comes to mind is …..
I need to forgive my parents for being a controllers rather than developers who embraced me for the person I am, the child I was, and tied to fit me into the box they designed for me rather than what God wanted. My mother was the major partner in this but much of the time she was complying with my father’s ideas.
A battle developed when I was very small, maybe weeks old, and continues today. This battle is irrelevant today but continues to influence me negatively.
I will be free.
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
1 John 1:9
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
MY ASPIRATIONS FOR 2012
1. Walk daily for a minimum of 15 minutes.
2. Track my weight, food and activity.
3. First weight loss goal 90 kg/198lbs which gets me under 200 pounds … it’s been a while.